Deep Observations on Life

      1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
           peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the
            passengers in his car."

                         --Author Unknown


      2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
           get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
           "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

                        --Author Unknown



     3) "Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn't you say so?  There's a
           support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they
            meet at the bar."

                          --Drew Carey


     4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
           not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
           doing it, have fun with it  At the end of the night,
          drop them off at the wrong house."

                         --Jeff Foxworthy


      5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
            and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
            infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
            base."

                        --Dave Barry


      6) "Relationships are hard.  It's like a full time job, and
            we should treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend
            wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
            There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
           you, they should have to find you a temp."
                        --Bob Ettinger


     7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
     the lake and threw her off the boat  I said, "Mom, they weren't
     trying to teach you how to swim.'"
                          --Paula Poundstone

     8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
     skills than men.  I just want to say to the  authors of that study:
     "Duh."

                         --Conan O'Brien


      9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I'm halfway
     through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating
     a slow learner."

                          --Lynda Montgomery



      10) "I think that's how Chicago got started.  Bunch of people in New
     York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
     isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"

                         --Richard Jeni


     11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
     impersonators would be dead."

                          --Johnny Carson


     12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

                         --Paul Rodriguez


     13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
     and that's the law."

                         --Jerry Seinfeld


      14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
     fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
     to tallest  What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
     slower?"

                          --Warren Hutcherson


      15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
     same."

                          --Oscar Wilde


      16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
     Congress... But I repeat myself."

                          --Mark Twain


      17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.  At
     least they can find Afghanistan."

                            --A. Whitney Brown


      18) "Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place."

                          --Billy Crystal


      19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
     you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!  I never would've
     thought of that!'"

                         --Dave Barry



     20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?  Because "Mad Cow Disease"
     was taken.

                            --Unknown, presumed deceased

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